'A yassified funeral': A brutally honest recap of the Oscars red carpet.

It's that time of year when fashion experts, critics and istas come out of hibernation to judge and analyse the night of all nights — The Oscars. 

As a normie, I always feel left out of the fashion conversations when it comes to awards season. Now, I don't have a background in fashion and I'm not planning on having a foreground in it either, but I still want to play. 

So, after watching the Oscars red carpet, I have some notes. 

We first have to mention the important stuff. Both Emily Blunt and Florence Pugh took a stand on the red carpet today in support of women with short torsos. 

An extreme response to "The straps on my dress keep falling down". 

They both wore beautiful glittery strappy dresses except the straps weren’t sitting on their shoulders, they were hovering above them like mediaeval armour and, literally, every short girl can relate. I'm assuming both Pugh and Blunt complained that the straps of their dresses were falling off their shoulders and instead of readjusting them, their stylists just coated them in hairspray. 

As a whole, the red carpet looked more like a yassified funeral. There were a lot of black dresses and suits and a lot of big shoulders. Everyone looked like they were auditioning for roles in The Addams Family. 

Listen to The Spill hosts recap the 2024 Oscars red carpet with brutal honesty.

One of these things is not like the others. 

Bradley Cooper is doubling down on the train conductor look which I think is very smart. If he's upset about not winning, at least he has a lot of extra fabric to use as a handkerchief. 

No tears here. 

We have to speak about Margot Robbie. Please don’t attack me. She looks beautiful, but we normal people expected one thing and that one thing was Margot wearing a Barbie-esque dress. This has deeply upset us all, so we're now focusing all of our energy on America Ferrera, who looks incredible and has successfully scratched our Barbie itch. 

My two personalities trying to workout if I liked the red carpet looks or not.

And now my favourite game to play: Guess what ethnicity Ariana Grande will be today... 

*Drumroll please*

You can breathe a sigh of relief, Ariana is sticking to being a white person. Thank goodness! If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can read about her problematic history of blackfishing here. 

I’m not sure how I feel about the ovary dress (surely that’s its official name?), but pink is definitely her colour. She should now exclusively play roles about good witches. 

Via Instagram/@mamamiaaus

Shades of blue is also having a moment. Da'Vine Joy Randolph is my best dressed. It’s the perfect. A beautiful shade of blue, big sleeves and a long trail. Stunning. 

No notes.

The second best-dressed has to be Messi. No, not the footballer, the dog in Anatomy of a Fall. Unpopular opinion but I also think the dog was the best actor in the film. Messi sported a black and white fur coat. Now I know that wearing real fur is controversial, but he seemed very excited to be there. 

@mamamiaaus Messi, the scene-stealing dog from Anatomy of a Fall, is seated and ready for the 2024 Oscars ceremony. #oscars #oscars2024 #messi #anatomyofafall #redcarpet #awardshow ♬ Very cute melody by marimba tone(39813) - Mitsu Sound

Besties Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence came out in full swing triggering millennials across the world with their outfits. 

Millennials- look away now! 

Emma Stone looked divine however, we still haven't recovered from the peplum trend. The 30-somethings in our office had a visceral reaction to her look. Don't worry, they'll recover eventually (I hope). 

Jennifer Lawrence wore a black and white polka dot dress reminding everyone of that 2019 $50 Zara dress that had the whole world in a chokehold. It’s too soon to be wearing polka dots and J-law should’ve known better.

NGL I'm still obsessed with this dress.

I do feel sorry for all the attendees who put a lot of effort into their looks. Unfortunately, they were all taken out by the number one accessory of all time—a surprise baby bump. 

Vanessa Hudgens shocked everyone on the carpet with her pregnancy. The best thing about being pregnant on the red carpet is that you can wear the most basic and boring outfit (which she did) and you will still be what everyone talks about. 

We could hear the collective groan of all the other red carpet attendees from the other side of the world when they saw Vanessa. 

The face of someone who knows they've won the game.

Feature image: Getty/Canva

If you want more culture takes and opinions from Emily Vernem, you can listen to her on The Spill podcast on Mondays, Tuesdays & Wednesdays or you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem. 

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