'After 16 years of marriage and 2 kids, we still have sex almost every day thanks to these 5 things.'

It was a Saturday night, circa 2007, around 11pm. I was looking fly in my hip belt, cowl-neck dress, round-toed heels, chunky necklace and extreme comb-over fringe. Usher was playing, vodka-Redbulls were flowing, and the floor was sticky. It was, in my 18-year-old’s opinion, a dream evening.

You can see it, right? A night out with your girlfriends, beginning with ‘pres’, all six of you sharing a full-length wardrobe mirror, with way too much foundation, heavy eyeliner (and far too thin eyebrows).

Little did I know I was going to meet my husband that night. Yes, I am an urban legend and met him at a nightclub. The stats were against us: he was a sailor; we were super young, I’d yet to do the token single gal Contiki tour of Europe. 

And now, fast forward to a time with no analogue phones, no USB playlists and an appreciation of flat shoes, I have been with him for almost half of my life - and we have two beautiful children together.

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Don’t get me wrong – it has not always been smooth sailing. We actually had a conversation the other night and said that if we met the 2007 version of each other, but with the boundaries and self-confidence we individually have now, it would not last. Fortunately, we’ve grown together over the years. Definitely not in a linear sense (there have been many ups and downs), but grown nonetheless. 

There are so many things in our relationship I am proud of (shameless comment in case he reads this), but one that I think might stand out for you is that we have a fairly active sex life, in a world where the dialogue generally speaks of why and how sex declines the longer you’re with someone. 

I totally get it – and we used to be there! Life is busy, sleep is never long enough, food needs to be prepped, kids need uber-Mum, the mental load is exhausting and, if we’re honest, women generally need more than just the physical. Again, a generalisation, perhaps, but it seems men are mostly motivated by the physical. But we need all five of the Love Languages to feel the energy and desire to get our kit off. We don’t just need physical touch (especially outside of the bedroom, to start with). We also need words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time and receiving gifts. 

And I’ll be honest (at which point I hope he isn’t reading), there are heaps of times when I can’t be bothered, when my mind wanders to the never-ending shopping list, or I’m mentally working out the hours until the alarm goes off.

But, more times than not, I love our sex life. I enjoy it, whether it’s our run-of-the mill four-position choreography, or our more adventurous and differentiated repertoire. (Mum, if you’re reading, please close the tab immediately).

And the more sex you have, the more you’ll want. Why? Our brain is evolutionary; it wants to protect us by affirming what we believe to be true. So if we actively avoid something, our mind views this thing as fearful, and alarm bells continue to go off. Also, if it’s become an awkward topic in your relationship due to its infrequency, your mind is going to continue to search for evidence to make you even more self-conscious or apprehensive about it. 

But, the good news is that you can change the way your mind makes you feel about sex by creating new evidence. This evidence being more, non-awkward and non-avoided bedroom rendezvous. Or shower, car, couch rendezvous; whatever floats your boat.

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If sex has become a chore, you will have more opportunities to feel like it’s actually enjoyable for you. If it’s a thing you never talk about, the more you have, the more comfortable you will feel to say what you need, speak about why you don’t enjoy it like you used to, and ask for changes. 

These are the 5 things we do in our relationship that, I believe, are the reasons why we still have sex most days. 

1. Compartmentalisation.

If your life was chrome, how many tabs would you have open? Kids’ activities, work, food shopping, life admin, relationship, friendships, family, car service, on and on we go. 

Now, this might seem a bit sterile (and perhaps a little psychopathic), but I have learnt to be really good at compartmentalising. What this means is that I see all of these tabs as totally disassociated from one another. There are just so many things to do, and if you let the negative energy from one tab overflow to the other, you would never be productive. You’d need a software update.

I admit that this sounds a bit unemotional. But humour me for a sec. If the tab entitled ‘argument we had this morning about lunchboxes was then left on its own, then the tabs ‘chats after work’ and ‘kissing in bed once everything is done for the evening’ would still be loading. In a practical sense, you may have a tiff in the morning or afternoon, and then let that negative energy impact everything else. You’re annoyed at each other about the lunchboxes, so dinner conversation is stilted, you both snap over the washing, you’ll bicker over the unpaid bill. But if you see the lunchbox saga as separate to everything else, the ensuing positive encounters in every other element (or tab) of life will eventually make lunchbox-Gate seem ‘not so bad’. 

Cue an evening of rolling in sheets because you’re not annoyed at everything else that happened that day. I know you may be eye-rolling. But just try it. You can always go back, right?

Image: Supplied. 'Compartmentalising the different areas of your life is key to keeping the spark alive.'

2. ‘Will it matter in 10 days?’

In every relationship there are phrases or mantras you live by. Almost like codewords you call out when things get tense. In ours, one is ‘will it matter in 10 days?’. 

In the thick of it, the argument can seem so important. Like, if you don’t hold your stance about who didn’t take the bin out, then your whole character as a person is in ruins. The rubbish bag is a metaphor for your self-worth, the representation of yourself as a mother in front of your children, your assertiveness in your relationship! I get it!

But, what if, in the moment, one of you asked ‘will it matter in 10 days’? Again, I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship. But I do know that it’s very easy to get caught up in the day-to-day irks of a long-term relationship. Asking ‘will this matter in 10 days’ brings some perspective to the moment, as well as a bit of lightness to a usually heavy situation. What would this do for your sex life?

3. Don’t try to out-spite each other.

I’ll paint a picture. Your partner says something passive-aggressive about the messy kitchen. Immediately your hackles rise and you point out that they seem to forget the purpose of a washing basket. They then remind you of that time, in 2019, when you forgot to take the bin out. Angry at their pathetic digs, you justify your indignant response by reminding them that their family was rude at Christmas in 2015. And around and around you go.

You can hear the voice in your head telling you that nothing can come of this, that you’re both being ridiculously spiteful, that you would never repeat this conversation to anyone out of embarrassment, yet you both keep going. Trying to one-up each other’s spitefulness.

To what end? Will it matter in 10 days? Likely not. You’ll be embarrassed, ashamed of what you’ve said, and with no leg to stand on in the morning because you were both ridiculous (albeit passionate at the time).

But, if you took a breath for a sec and chose to move on despite how infuriatingly spiteful you’re both being, how different would your day and evening be? How much more valued and loved would you both feel? How much more likely would you be to have ‘adult time’?

4. Turn the lights off.

If you’ve read my other articles, you know I am not just a health and mindset coach, but also a teacher. So I do love a metaphor. This is one of them.

When I say ‘turn the lights off’ I don’t mean during sex. 

I mean to find inconspicuous times to chat about those awkward or uncomfortable topics. Psychologists suggest times like car rides or in bed watching tv with the light off to bring up the awkward issues. Right now if you’re reading this and thinking ‘yeah, but I don’t actually enjoy sex’, I know that’s a big, scary thing to bring up to your long-term partner. Especially if you have maybe been acting in a way that makes him think it is enjoyable and that he’s a sex god. It’s understandable. As women, we can get too much in our head and sometimes it’s easier to fake it than explain why you can’t ‘do it’. 

But you deserve to feel desirable, to feel pleasure, to feel sexual. And for you, as a woman, it might require a sensitive conversation. Have it when the lights are off. You, and your partner, will be far more open and uninhibited when there’s no eye contact involved. Talk about your fantasies, about what isn’t working, about what you want to try, about what you wish you had together.

Anonymity is powerful. Empower yourself. 

5. Have more sex.

I know this sounds pretty implicit. But the more sex you and your partner have, the less likely you are to bicker, to get caught up in the day-to-day stresses of life, to feel that niggling sense of resentment for all of the things you do versus them.

Isn’t it odd that, likely once upon a time, you and your partner had more sex than you do now? Same people, same anatomies, same desires. But, over time, with all the food shopping, appointments and monotony of life, it’s declined. 

Because sex has become so sparse, it’s like a big, vibrating elephant in the room. You feel like you can’t talk about it, even though your partner might instigate it all the time. What if you decided that today, you’re going to have sex more than is usual for you? This might be within the month, or once a fortnight, or this week. It’s all variable. What feels agreeable for you? Remove the pressure! It doesn’t need to be a scene from Bridgerton. The purpose is simply to introduce yourself to more regular sex. To remove the big, fat elephant. To see it become a more regular occurrence in your life so that you feel more included to have the conversations about what you want and like. 

And if your lack of sex is because of a lack of desire, what if you treated it like any new habit? Like starting a gym class, the first one is going to be clumsy, sweaty and you’ll be sore for days. It’s the same with getting back in the saddle. But after a few sessions, it becomes more regular and enjoyable. You’re more likely to ask for what you want. You’re more likely to enjoy it. You’re more likely to want it!

What would having sex that you actually crave and enjoy do for your confidence and your confidence? Because this article is not just about what it would do for your relationship (while I do believe more sex makes many of the day-to-day annoyances seem less annoying). It’s about what it can do for you.

Feature image: Supplied.

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