'My partner has ADHD. Here are 5 things we've had to do differently since his diagnosis.'

My partner’s ADHD diagnosis was one of the best things for our relationship. 

Before I get into the why, a little disclaimer: my boyfriend has given me permission to write about our relationship and his experience with ADHD. You may draw parallels or you may not – ADHD presents differently for everyone. I also think it’s important that I lay all my cards on the table too.

For context, I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder. This means I overthink. I fixate. I spiral. I turn everyday situations into bigger deals in my head.

As you can imagine, this isn’t exactly a fun trait to have in a relationship. Especially when your partner is struggling to deal with undiagnosed ADHD traits.

Losing focus during long conversations, forgetting plans, hyper-fixating on new interests or hobbies and wanting to avoid high-stimulating environments. 

Honestly, at the start of our relationship I found it really difficult to empathise.

Watch: How ADHD can affect your relationships. Post continues after video.

I would take everything so personally. If he was forgetting plans it was because he didn’t care. If he looked like he was zoning out during a conversation, it was because he was bored.

My anxiety played into it too. Every emotion and every action was heightened. We were dealing with brains that were wired completely differently from each other.

That’s why when he finally received his ADHD diagnosis in 2020, I could then understand why he did things the way he did.

This year we celebrate five years together. And since changing these five things in our relationship, we’re the happiest we’ve ever been.

1. Important conversations.

If we need to have a serious chat about something, I’ve learnt that where we are can impact how well the conversation goes. So, instead of sitting in a room trying to talk it out, we go do something. 

Whether it’s going for a walk or just driving around our neighbourhood, it’s a lot easier for my partner to digest what I’m saying and articulate his thoughts if we’re not 'trapped' in a room.

Before his diagnosis when we’d have these conversations, he was unable to process his thoughts quickly enough to keep up with mine. Often I’d end up switching into lecture mode and he’d inevitably zone out because he felt too overwhelmed.

Ever since his ADHD diagnosis we’ve made a conscious effort to change our environment when having deeper chats that we know require our full attention. I no longer dominate the conversation and we both get a chance to actually hear and understand each other’s thoughts. By creating an environment where the conversation is balanced, it’s now rare either of us finish the chat still feeling misunderstood.

2. Making plans.

Forgetfulness isn’t an exclusive trait to people who have ADHD. In saying that, I’ve learnt not to expect my partner to commit plans to memory.

It literally takes two seconds for me to pop an event we have in my calendar app and send little reminder texts to him like, "Remember we have XXX’s party on Saturday night."

I no longer take it to heart if he forgets because I know it’s really not that deep. 

Something so small as being the designated calendar person in our relationship ends up alleviating unnecessary stress on his end and takes a lot less energy on my end than if I was to get annoyed every time he forgot we had something on.

Plus, I’ve recently caught him using his calendar app too, so maybe we’re moving towards shared calendar territory.

3. Hyperfixation.

If my partner is interested in a topic, he’ll go down a research rabbit hole for at least a week. If he wants to get into a new hobby, he’ll fully commit to it until he’s sick of it. If he’s obsessed with a product enough, he’ll buy it no matter how expensive. If he discovers someone new online like a comedian, he’ll watch all their specials. 

In the case of our relationship, his hyperfixation is pretty harmless and has never directly impacted us. The only difference that came after his ADHD diagnosis, was that I learnt not to judge his decisions so harshly.

I remember the first time I let go of that feeling. He had bought a pair of $450 slides on impulse and I reminded myself it’s his money, it’s his choice. I’m his partner not his parent, and it makes me happy to see him happy.

Truthfully, I’m also guilty of impulsive purchases here and there. So who am I to judge?  

When reading him this part of the article he wanted me to mention how it’s especially helpful when he’s on the fence about making a big purchase and I tell him to think on it for a week before committing. So there’s that too. 

Listen to Mamamia's podcast, No Filter. In this episode, Sally Hepworth speaks to Mia Freedman about her ADHD. Post continues after podcast.

4. Crowds and noises.

Something I recognised after doing research about ADHD was that in certain situations my partner became socially withdrawn in crowds or around loud noises. He needed his environment to be set in a way that didn’t feel stressful.

Some situations that he would consider stressful include crowded restaurants where it’s hard to hear each other talk, cinemas where we’re sat too close to other people, long queues that don’t move fast enough and car rides where the music is too loud. 

These were the little quirks that I wouldn’t second guess before, but in hindsight they make perfect sense.

It’s not that I don’t find these circumstances frustrating too but my tolerance seems to be a lot higher when we are in them. My brain can adapt and ignore whereas his sirens alarm bells that make it near impossible to maintain focus. 

I get it now. Having to deal with stressful surroundings on top of having to maintain a conversation is trying. He once described it to me with the analogy of having 100 tabs open at once and having to constantly switch between different ones. 

Whilst he doesn’t let these moments stop him from doing the things we love, after the ADHD diagnosis I’ve definitely become more cautious of how environments can and do affect him.

5. Choose empathy.

The reality of having a partner with ADHD is that your patience will get tested. The lifestyle you have to have and the behaviours that you have to put up with in order for your partner to simply just function will require sacrifices from you. You may feel frustration or exhaustion or even resentment but in these moments I always imagine what it feels like for my partner to live with ADHD every day and I’m immediately flooded with empathy. 

ADHD is a disability and it can seep its way into every aspect of life. Like all relationships you have to be willing to compromise, show compassion, let some things go and most importantly, communicate. As a result, you’ll truly feel the difference in how much healthier your relationship is and feels. 

My partner’s ADHD diagnosis let me see him unlike I had ever before. In a way, it probably saved our relationship from years and years of misunderstanding. So for that reason alone, it is definitely up there with one of the best things to happen for our relationship.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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