'I was diagnosed with ADHD and left my husband at the same time. Here’s what dating has been like.'

I suspected I had ADHD early in 2020 after my son was diagnosed. 

At the time I was extremely unhappy in my marriage and my life in general. If I'm honest with myself, I felt like I was a shell of my former self. So I decided to end my marriage – as scary as that was to do.

I had three children under seven, plus COVID was just hitting, and I was having an identity crisis over potentially having ADHD. The whole experience was so overwhelming. 

I started diving deep into learning about ADHD and how it affects women specifically. OH MY GOD. It was me. It was all me. Instantly I was aware of how ADHD was actually impacting my life – including how I tackled day-to-day tasks, how I parented, how I managed stress, my relationships and how I felt about myself. My ADHD was impacting it all, significantly.

A year later, I finally decided to get an official diagnosis and start medication. Having a definitive answer and being able to put strategies in place while having the support of the medication was life-changing. I also realised that by removing this fog, I really had made the right choice in leaving my husband, and I was ready to move forward with my life.

Watch: How ADHD can affect your relationships. Post continues after video.

Video: Alice Gendron, The Mini ADHD Coach.

It took about another year for me to really settle into a new way of being. The kids living in two separate houses while managing all our emotions during the transition. Making my home more ADHD-friendly for me and the kids and openly talking about my ADHD and my separation from family and friends and the shame I seemed to feel surrounding that. It really was a lot.

But one day I decided it might be time to give dating a whirl. And do you know what I discovered real quick? That I keep attracting men who have undiagnosed ADHD. We're just drawn to each other! Like attracts like right? But boy does that add a whole lot more complexity to the situation. 

I think it's great when two ADHD people get along instantaneously and accept each other's quirks. You feel comfortable quicker. It's when a diagnosed and undiagnosed ADHD'er get together and the latter isn't willing to learn how that affects their relationships, that's where it gets complicated, and, at times, downright heartbreaking.

What an absolute rollercoaster of a ride it has been so far. Being almost 40 with three kids and having not dated since I was 23 brings up all sorts of insecurities. And when you're on dating apps, you feel so disposable. One minute you're convinced you're connecting and having a great conversation, the next minute they've unmatched you and have swiped on to the next person. Brutal.

What I noticed quite early on in my dating journey, was that I was very sensitive to any slight feeling of being criticised or being rejected. We all want to be liked for who we are, and when dating we are putting our best foot forward, so the more positive reinforcement we get, the more confident we feel.

When you have ADHD, you feel any type of rejection more strongly than most. It's called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and it's a bloody nightmare when you're dating. 

Basically, it means that you feel severe emotional pain because of failure or feeling rejected. You are more likely to interpret vague interactions as rejection and may find it difficult to control your reaction. I no longer have any shame around having ADHD, and I believe that more people need to understand it better to be able to relate to those who do have it. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel slightly attacked when someone makes a well-meaning comment.

For example, a guy I had just started dating was going to be coming over to my house for the first time. I am very upfront with guys about having ADHD. I think I had even put it in my profile. So, I was explaining to him I have 'doom piles' – piles of stuff around the house that I use and need. If I put it all away, it's out of sight and out of mind, which does not work for a lot of ADHD people! I've learnt that I need to see things and have easy access to them easily in order for me to stay on top of my life.

I said to him, "You'll just have to excuse my little piles of stuff!" He replied back with something like, "I'm sure I'll love your place, even with your little piles of junk!". I, of course, immediately had a pang in my gut and felt judged. Which led me to be a bit defensive. It triggered my RSD. I then went into over-explaining mode. He could see what was happening and apologised if it upset me, because he was only trying to make light of it. I could see later, just not in that moment. I believe he had undiagnosed ADHD, so I think we both activated RSD in each other and it makes you feel like you want to pull away.

I suppose that's what a lot of dating with ADHD has been like. It's this push and pull of trying to regulate your own emotions, but then also trying to decipher theirs. Then how your reaction or response to them then creates a reaction or response from them and what that means. There's A LOT of overthinking.

Listen: Mia Freedman shares what happened when she was diagnosed with ADHD at 49. Post continues after podcast.

That's the other thing that has been a nightmare to tackle: The overthinking. We all can overthink things. But when you have ADHD, the overthinking can be crippling. ADHD brains get easily consumed. It gets caught in thinking loops faster than a non-ADHD brain. 

A guy I had started seeing had asked me to come over for dinner, but hadn't mentioned staying the night. There was a passing comment the week before, but no mention of it since. So I started thinking, "Doesn't he want me to stay?" "Has he changed his mind?" "Is he seeing someone else?" "What have I said or done this week that might have made him change his mind" "Should I ask him if he wants me to stay?" "or should I just play it cool?" Yadda yadda yadda. You can see where this spiral is going.

Dating is also a dopamine hit. ADHD'ers don't produce enough dopamine which is the neurotransmitter that allows you to feel pleasure, satisfaction and motivation. That's why at the beginning stages of dating, you get this rush of feeling good, and you want more of it. Then there's the flip side, when RSD rears its ugly head, where one little thing can switch your brain into fight or flight.

This is why dating is such a rollercoaster of a ride when you have ADHD.

You love it. You hate it. You may scream. You feel like you're on top of the world. You need to see a chiropractor about your whiplash. You feel alive. You hold on for dear life. You get off and you want to do it all over again, but then you can’t walk straight and feel like you need to vomit.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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